Sunday, 23 October 2016
How do you capture a feeling so it comes to life? What do you do when words or images don't suffice? I want to take the knife you hold to my throat and use it to pierce my heart open in two. So you can see the sheer desperation that spills out in place of blood. Blood that dried up an old yesterday ago. Blood that now spills from my hands instead. I am terrible with words. I miss you terribly but unsure if I love you truly. Is it just that my wounds have been cut too deep for me to turn around now? I fear I am too wounded to find my way back to where I once stood. You are braver than you think. This I tell myself every day. But I've already fallen from grace. You say there's a sparkle in my eyes when we meet. But don't you know? There used to be a galaxy behind that sparkle. I often wonder what happened to that girl. I try to remember when I lost her. It never used to make me think about you, but now it does. I think there are parts of us we created in each other. And I think that's a rarity found in only the deepest of friendships. But now you've created a new part in me. And it's become so much of me that at times I feel that you have your hands wrapped around my spine. And the pain is so numbing that I forget to breath. And then I remind myself that I need to breath. That I need to live. Not simply exist. But now, look at all the blood on my hands. How can I possibly live like this? Do you know what's happening to me? I can't look above anymore. I fell for a love that was never mine. For a promise that was never true. And now I'm stuck. And I can't look above. So I don't look anywhere.
I'm not saying I'm unhappy. I just maybe forget what happiness feels like. Because well, when I'm with you, my mind is never at ease. You see, the day you forgot my name is the day I knew your back had always been turned on me.