Sunday, 23 October 2016
How do you capture a feeling so it comes to life? What do you do when words or images don't suffice? I want to take the knife you hold to my throat and use it to pierce my heart open in two. So you can see the sheer desperation that spills out in place of blood. Blood that dried up an old yesterday ago. Blood that now spills from my hands instead. I am terrible with words. I miss you terribly but unsure if I love you truly. Is it just that my wounds have been cut too deep for me to turn around now? I fear I am too wounded to find my way back to where I once stood. You are braver than you think. This I tell myself every day. But I've already fallen from grace. You say there's a sparkle in my eyes when we meet. But don't you know? There used to be a galaxy behind that sparkle. I often wonder what happened to that girl. I try to remember when I lost her. It never used to make me think about you, but now it does. I think there are parts of us we created in each other. And I think that's a rarity found in only the deepest of friendships. But now you've created a new part in me. And it's become so much of me that at times I feel that you have your hands wrapped around my spine. And the pain is so numbing that I forget to breath. And then I remind myself that I need to breath. That I need to live. Not simply exist. But now, look at all the blood on my hands. How can I possibly live like this? Do you know what's happening to me? I can't look above anymore. I fell for a love that was never mine. For a promise that was never true. And now I'm stuck. And I can't look above. So I don't look anywhere.
I'm not saying I'm unhappy. I just maybe forget what happiness feels like. Because well, when I'm with you, my mind is never at ease. You see, the day you forgot my name is the day I knew your back had always been turned on me.
Saturday, 4 June 2016
We waste spiritual energy because of excessive talking. I'm actually not sure what this means. It's not my own saying, but it has reminded me of myself. I talk too much. My family is rather quiet so I'm not sure where I got it from. As I get older however I've come to value silence a lot more than I used to. I'm not sure if this is because there was too much noise around me or because I was thrust into a silence and thus had no choice but to learn to value it. I believe it's the latter. It's true that the worst thing about my excessive talking is the wasted spiritual energy. If I spent less time talking maybe I could spend more time doing.
I don't want you to think I say things because they're a reflection of who I am. I wish they were. Why would you be impressed by anything that I say anyways? It's all just words. You should be impressed by my deeds, by my actions. If my words don't result into action then what's so impressive? I'm just an ordinary girl that likes to talk about extraordinary things. But at the end of the day, I'm just a girl that's talking. And that's not very impressive.
I don't know why I'm thinking about this right now. Perhaps its because someone that I have never met praised me. I don't want to trick anybody about who I am. I don't want to trick you into thinking I'm a good person if I'm not. The more time that goes by the more I realize how difficult it is to truly be good. I wonder about things more than I used to. I wonder if everything around me has always been make belief. Did I create an existence of the Divine in my life that was never actually there? I feel rather confused lately.
I need to distract myself. I shall think about the beautiful sky in Mauritius. It was as though the ocean had risen itself above me. Now if only that could be real too…
Wednesday, 13 April 2016
And I loved her, all of her, for how I watched her crawl beneath my skin and into my soul.
And I loved her, for how she would crawl over my dark fields and leave roses left to grow.
And I loved her, for how she devoured me whole and made sense of all my bones.
But most of all, I loved her, all of her, for healing my pieces and guiding them back home.
I love this poem. I don't take something like this to be fiction. If not for the writer, I feel that for someone these words must hold true. I'm certain someone out there in the world feels like. And I think that's lovely.
I hope that I can love in such a way one day. I hope that the boy I love can feel me in his soul, in his bones. Would it be that my love would give him courage, make him feel at peace? Well, it would be really nice if I could be that kind of presence in his life. The truth is, I'm afraid of making someone miserable…I'm not sure what anyone would get out of being with me. This makes me feel rather guilty. To love someone would be an enormous responsibility. But if you treat the love you share with someone as truly sacred then it's a responsibility you want to carry out--one that you'll do justice to.
I think people love in a lot of different ways and on different levels. I want to love the way God would except me to love. I want to love the way He loves. I feel that loving a person should stem from loving God. This would be true love and would encompass all of it's most important aspects: trust, friendship, faith, courage, regard. I hope that I can love everyone in my life the way they deserve to be loved.
Anyways, I'm so very sleepy. I wish I could talk about poetry with someone. My friends aren't too concerned with it. Well. I am still learning how to love and maybe someday the Universe will see me worthy to love and be loved.
Monday, 11 April 2016
I was reading an article at work on the subject of power. I found it a very unsatisfying read. It did make me think about power though. And anything that makes you think is good.
What makes one powerful? Wealth? Status? Knowledge? Wisdom? In my simple mind, I don't think these would be enough to fit the definition.
I think a powerful individual is one who strives to do good. Of what use are any of the above if they are not accompanied with the desire to do good? A man of wealth should feed the poor, a man of rank should spread justice, a man of knowledge should teach others, and a man of wisdom should set an honest example for his brethren. Without goodness, they are not powerful, they are simply a wealthy man, an esteemed man, a knowledgeable man, and a wise man.
I cannot deny that such individuals though empty of good are still powerful in our world today. But that kind of power isn't really true power. True power is that which has the support of God behind it. And God is always behind good. There are certain journalists for example, whom I admire greatly. They use their knowledge and voice for good, they stand for justice, and you can really see what powerful names they have become in society today. I could name many such individuals, from many different fields and walks of life.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was powerful. What would I do? Would I do any good? Would I become crazy? Would my desire to be good remain or would it be forgotten in my quest for power? It makes me laugh when I think about this. I imagine the heavens with me but I cannot imagine any people siding with me. Sadly, I've not made too many people happy in my lifetime. I also find it comical however because I get such bad anxiety at times. I hate speaking in front of large crowds. I hate being put in the spotlight. I recently had to speak somewhere and my hands were shaking so badly I was sure I was going to drop the mic. This is unacceptable in my definition of a powerful person. Such an individual should be articulate and eloquent in their manner of speaking. Because half of what makes a person powerful is not only the words they choose to speak but the manner in which they choose to speak them.
Anywho, what do I know? These are just a simpleton's ramblings to the Universe. Perhaps someone will enlighten me one day. There is one thing though that I do know for sure. One should always keep good intentions. Therefore, if I were a powerful person I would be a good person. I think good intentions can translate into good actions. And so I shall make this one good intention.
Sunday, 10 April 2016
Sometimes I ache to write. I wish I could breath down onto this paper and watch it come alive with everything that I'm trying to encapsulate into words. I think the words would sparkle. I think they'd dance around one another gleefully. But I think some of them would bleed. And maybe that's important. Sometimes I see blood dripping from my hands. And I wonder if it's always been there or if I'm only now noticing. I think it's always been there.
The truth is, I've grown accustomed to a certain kind of darkness. As hard as I try to frolic around this life swept up in a storm of radiance, and as natural as that may come, there is a shadow of dark that's always trailing behind. I no longer question this shadow nor do I condemn it. I won't say that I've embraced it but I certainly have come to understand it's presence in my life. In all the radiance I ignore it, but when that radiance begins to dwindle into a soft lustre, I can no longer defy it. And so I bow my head in a respectful greeting. In solitude do we try and make sense of the connection between us. Perhaps it's what forces me to hear the silence around me. That's when I remember that it is just Lulu and the Universe.
I'm not sure what the point of my life is. But I think the battle isn't to vanquish the darkness but to conquer it. To be in control of it. To use it in a way where it forces you to be more reflective of yourself. I'm not saying it should always be there either you know. But when it is, you should be the one in control. And eventually, everything this shadow teaches you, should you be willing to learn from it, will reflect into all the moments of radiance. And maybe then the shadow will fade out…only to linger somewhere rather than trail behind you.
I could write so much about this. I could talk so much about it. I should talk less in riddles. Maybe I'm afraid someone will understand. The Universe always understands. And that's what matters.
Presently, my struggles to be a good person continue. The need to be a kind, compassionate, sincere, and well intentioned human being continue. Once these qualities are achieved, I shall try for righteousness. Such a large word for such a small person.
All my love,