Wednesday, 13 April 2016
And I loved her, all of her, for how I watched her crawl beneath my skin and into my soul.
And I loved her, for how she would crawl over my dark fields and leave roses left to grow.
And I loved her, for how she devoured me whole and made sense of all my bones.
But most of all, I loved her, all of her, for healing my pieces and guiding them back home.
I love this poem. I don't take something like this to be fiction. If not for the writer, I feel that for someone these words must hold true. I'm certain someone out there in the world feels like. And I think that's lovely.
I hope that I can love in such a way one day. I hope that the boy I love can feel me in his soul, in his bones. Would it be that my love would give him courage, make him feel at peace? Well, it would be really nice if I could be that kind of presence in his life. The truth is, I'm afraid of making someone miserable…I'm not sure what anyone would get out of being with me. This makes me feel rather guilty. To love someone would be an enormous responsibility. But if you treat the love you share with someone as truly sacred then it's a responsibility you want to carry out--one that you'll do justice to.
I think people love in a lot of different ways and on different levels. I want to love the way God would except me to love. I want to love the way He loves. I feel that loving a person should stem from loving God. This would be true love and would encompass all of it's most important aspects: trust, friendship, faith, courage, regard. I hope that I can love everyone in my life the way they deserve to be loved.
Anyways, I'm so very sleepy. I wish I could talk about poetry with someone. My friends aren't too concerned with it. Well. I am still learning how to love and maybe someday the Universe will see me worthy to love and be loved.
Monday, 11 April 2016
I was reading an article at work on the subject of power. I found it a very unsatisfying read. It did make me think about power though. And anything that makes you think is good.
What makes one powerful? Wealth? Status? Knowledge? Wisdom? In my simple mind, I don't think these would be enough to fit the definition.
I think a powerful individual is one who strives to do good. Of what use are any of the above if they are not accompanied with the desire to do good? A man of wealth should feed the poor, a man of rank should spread justice, a man of knowledge should teach others, and a man of wisdom should set an honest example for his brethren. Without goodness, they are not powerful, they are simply a wealthy man, an esteemed man, a knowledgeable man, and a wise man.
I cannot deny that such individuals though empty of good are still powerful in our world today. But that kind of power isn't really true power. True power is that which has the support of God behind it. And God is always behind good. There are certain journalists for example, whom I admire greatly. They use their knowledge and voice for good, they stand for justice, and you can really see what powerful names they have become in society today. I could name many such individuals, from many different fields and walks of life.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was powerful. What would I do? Would I do any good?Would I become crazy? Would my desire to be good remain or would it be forgotten in my quest for power? It makes me laugh when I think about this. I imagine the heavens with me but I cannot imagine any people siding with me. Sadly, I've not made too many people happy in my lifetime. I also find it comical however because I get such bad anxiety at times. I hate speaking in front of large crowds. I hate being put in the spotlight. I recently had to speak somewhere and my hands were shaking so badly I was sure I was going to drop the mic. This is unacceptable in my definition of a powerful person. Such an individual should be articulate and eloquent in their manner of speaking. Because half of what makes a person powerful is not only the words they choose to speak but the manner in which they choose to speak them.
Anywho, what do I know? These are just a simpleton's ramblings to the Universe. Perhaps someone will enlighten me one day. There is one thing though that I do know for sure. One should always keep good intentions. Therefore, if I were a powerful person I would be a good person. I think good intentions can translate into good actions. And so I shall make this good intention.
Sunday, 10 April 2016
Sometimes I ache to write. I wish I could breath down onto this paper and watch it come alive with everything that I'm trying to encapsulate into words. I think the words would sparkle. I think they'd dance around one another gleefully. But I think some of them would bleed. And maybe that's important. Sometimes I see blood dripping from my hands. And I wonder if it's always been there or if I'm only now noticing. I think it's always been there.
The truth is, I've grown accustomed to a certain kind of darkness. As hard as I try to frolic around this life swept up in a storm of radiance, and as natural as that may come, there is a shadow of dark that's always trailing behind. I no longer question this shadow nor do I condemn it. I won't say that I've embraced it but I certainly have come to understand it's presence in my life. In all the radiance I ignore it, but when that radiance begins to dwindle into a soft lustre, I can no longer defy it. And so I bow my head in a respectful greeting. In solitude do we try and make sense of the connection between us. Perhaps it's what forces me to hear the silence around me. That's when I remember that it is just Lulu and the Universe.
I'm not sure what the point of my life is. But I think the battle isn't to vanquish the darkness but to conquer it. To be in control of it. To use it in a way where it forces you to be more reflective of yourself. I'm not saying it should always be there either you know. But when it is, you should be the one in control. And eventually, everything this shadow teaches you, should you be willing to learn from it, will reflect into all the moments of radiance. And maybe then the shadow will fade out…only to linger somewhere rather than trail behind you.
I could write so much about this. I could talk so much about it. I should talk less in riddles. Maybe I'm afraid someone will understand. The Universe always understands. And that's what matters.
Presently, my struggles to be a good person continue. The need to be a kind, compassionate, sincere, and well intentioned human being continue. Once these qualities are achieved, I shall try for righteousness. Such a large word for such a small person.
All my love,
Saturday, 5 April 2014
Thursday, 3 April 2014
My greatest jihad is against myself. The self that incites evil is ever present and I must always be mindful of it so that I may conquer it rather than allowing it to conquer me. A pure heart and mind are my greatest goals. Only then will I be one step closer to becoming a righteous individual. The prayer for pure intentions must always be on the tip of one's tongue. I say all of this because knowing and mastering ourselves is true power and this is the kind of power that's needed to reach God.
But what of His people? How do you reach His people? I suppose by seeing the good in them. You will never be able to see the good in people though if you don't first see the errors in yourself. I know some people would see this as a negative approach. Truly it's not. I fear conceit and arrogance so much and I long for a humble soul. Even when taken from a wordily perspective, know that humility is a quality that will always open the doors to success because humility ignites a sense of gratitude and a person that is grateful to this world will always be accepted by this world. More importantly though, humility and through it gratitude, will never fail to connect you with God. And this connection will open more doors for you than you could ever imagine. You know, I can't ever talk about God without talking about His people. I feel it's through the people that you find your way to God. But the only way to stand tall next to His people is to grow your own self first. I feel like everyone around me and everyone that I meet is so wonderful, so capable, so aware, and learned, and intelligent, and good. This makes me both happy and sad. Happy to be in the company of such people, to know such people. Sad because I can't seem to master these qualities myself. This is why I must always be mindful. Victory comes best to those who are mindful. Looks like for now Lulu's jihad continues.
Wish me luck Universe!
I asked you what you would change if you could change one thing about the world and you said "I would change the people". When you asked me the same question I said I would change the distance between land and sea. You thought about this for a moment and said "But absence makes the heart fonder". I think about this now. I just want you to know that this isn't true for me. Your absence from my life didn't make my heart any fonder of you. You didn't have to leave. I already had a lifetime's worth of love in my heart for you and that love will never change. The fact though, is that sometimes it's still not enough to keep that person in your life forever. I would've never known this. These were the kind of truths that were never a part of my world. You know, still it's hard for me to accept them as truths instead of as mere glitches that made their way in. I miss the love I felt with you. It was wonderful. I wish I knew how you were. I wish I knew what you were doing. I always knew what you were doing. I wish we could've met one last time. Sometimes I don't let myself think about you. Sometimes days pass, weeks even. Sometimes I want to pretend like you didn't ever exist. But then I remember. That day when I got off the plane, I had hoped, really hoped, that I would get to meet you. I just wish we could talk. I wish I could tell you. So much has changed since you left. I want you to know though, that even if I miss you I've accepted this. I've accepted you not being here anymore. I know that you're happy. I know this. I know that there were a lot of things that you wanted and you have all those things now. You used to tell me that it hurts you when I hurt and I want you to know that I'm okay and I'm happy. Your memories never leave me. Ten years before we met, that day when you added me, that day when you asked me if you could call me Gul, telling me I was your best sister, every December when you'd email telling me this was the year we should finally come down, and then finally we met again. I can't get myself to write down in words anything from that time on because it makes me feel like you're still here. But I hope you remember it all. I will never forget my friendship with you. You were a big part of my life and I want you to always be a big part of my life. Even if we're standing on opposite sides now. Mani I love you and I will wait until the day our worlds are one again.
May your troubles now forever neglect you,
Your rightful neighbours respect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
"For days and nights together, I very humbly supplicated and prayed to my beloved God:
'O Lord, I am all alone, who will be my helper and associate? Grant me one!'
When I raised my hands in moving supplication, the whole heaven was full of my wailing and my prayers. Then God, in His infinite mercy, granted my prayers and conferred upon me His choicest blessings, and He, from His majesty, gave me a pious, sincere and obedient friend and his name, like his nooraani (holy) qualities, was Noor-ud- Deen."
Ah to have known you…